


"Sherlock Holmes Goes Shopping"

by shannywan



Series: Control: London's Human Sacrifice [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Happy, Shopping, script
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 08:36:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1117793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shannywan/pseuds/shannywan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock Holmes and co. go holiday shopping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Sherlock Holmes Goes Shopping"

**Author's Note:**

> Has an "Always Sunny in Philadelphia" and comic book air to it. Mainly comedy, with one note of soon-to-be-coming terror and/or misery. Features all characters mentioned. Praise and criticisms welcome, especially what you would like to see in further stories/episodes. 
> 
> Enough nattering. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Sherlock Holmes Goes Shopping”

 

Shannon Kennedy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Based on the series “Sherlock” and the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

INT: 221B.

 

SHERLOCK stands in front of the mirror (on the wall).

 

SHERLOCK

Okay. You can do this. You’re Sherlock Holmes. Survivor of death. Ender of empires. Bringer of…um…

 

MYCROFT (V.0).

Terrible attempts at self-motivation?

 

SHERLOCK turns around to see MYCROFT standing in the open doorway. Looking like a cocky little shit, as ever.

 

SHERLOCK

What are you doing here? Besides annoying me.

 

MYCROFT

As if you didn’t already know.

 

SHERLOCK

I know you love torturing my delicate senses with your obtrusive _self_. What other reason can there be? Not like anything’s _happening…_

 

MYCROFT

Death has made you delusional.

 

SHERLOCK

Judging by your suit, not as much as you. Tell me, brother mine, how many slices of cake did you have two nights ago?

 

He looks MYCROFT over, briefly.

 

SHERLOCK

Oh, that is just unfortunate.

 

Annoyed, MYCROFT replies:

 

MYCROFT

Why must you always make these meetings so difficult?

 

SHERLOCK

You are so easily startled, Mycroft. I’d up the security surrounding your flat.

 

MYCROFT

Enough of this. Are you coming, or not?

 

SHERLOCK says nothing.

 

MYCROFT

After all, the… _goldfish_ , are waiting for you.

 

SHERLOCK

Fine, fine. Yes. I’ll be out. Just leave, so that I can think in peace.

 

MYCROFT

Sherlock, with your mind, can you _ever_ think in peace?

 

SHERLOCK

No.

 

MYCROFT smiles.

 

SHERLOCK

But your insipid questions and bloated ego cloud my own. Now get out. Tell them I’ll be down shortly. Make up something ridiculous. They love that.

 

MYCROFT

Will do, brother dear.

 

He leaves. SHERLOCK is, once again, alone. He breathes heavily, a long sigh.

 

SHERLOCK

Right. I can do this. I’m Sherlock Holmes.

 

Pause.

 

SHERLOCK

I’m Sherlock Holmes.

 

He goes down the stairs, closing the door behind him. He moves, then, on second thought; leaves the door slightly ajar.

 

SHERLOCK (softly)

Deduce _that_.

 

He continues walking. He reaches the front door, steps outside. A group of FANGIRLS stand up suddenly. They’ve been waiting for him.

 

FANGIRL ONE (PENNY)

Mr. Holmes!

 

She approaches him rapidly. SHERLOCK spares her and her friends one look, then returns his gaze to the street.

 

PENNY

Mr. Holmes.

 

SHERLOCK finally looks at her. She’s utterly in love.

 

PENNY

(in all seriousness)

I love you.

 

SHERLOCK

As do I.

 

He leans down and kisses her. Her friends shriek. Quickly, he backs up. Makes a disgruntled face, as if he’s tasted something bitter.

 

SHERLOCK

 _Aaaaaand_ no.

 

He moves his hand upwards as a goodbye.

 

SHERLOCK

Goodbye.

 

He briskly leaves. None of the FANGIRLS follow him.

 

PENNY

What just happened?

 

Back to SHERLOCK.

 

A black towncar pulls up. SHERLOCK steps in.

 

INT: Black towncar—Backseat.

 

JOHN, MARY, MOLLY, and TOM are in the car. The DRIVER is unknown.

 

SHERLOCK sits. The car moves forward.

 

JOHN

What took you so long?

 

MARY

There’s a thing called politeness. We’ve been circling for an hour.

 

TOM

(quietly)

We got candy.

 

TOM hands a box of sweets to SHERLOCK. They’re SUPER-FIZZY FUN TARTS.

 

SHERLOCK looks at TOM.

 

TOM

I figured you wouldn’t want something bland.

 

MOLLY

(to SHERLOCK)

Say thank you.

 

SHERLOCK

Thank you.

 

 

 

The next phase in conversation commences:

 

JOHN

Second point.

 

MARY

(finishing JOHN’s thought)

Are you dating now? John said the last time you even came close was with Ire—

 

SHERLOCK stops her mid-word.

 

SHERLOCK

Just an experiment.

 

MARY makes a face. She is radiating manic glee.

 

MARY

Perfect. I love it.

 

SHERLOCK

(to JOHN)

She’s not thinking of the thing I’m thinking of, is she?

 

JOHN

Not in the slightest.

 

SHERLOCK

(as way of explanation)

I was testing a theory.

 

MARY

Mmm-hmm.

 

SHERLOCK

Those… _people_ —

 

It’s almost a struggle for him to call them that.

 

SHERLOCK

(cont.)

\--have been _stalking_ me. Outside Baker Street, always snapping photographs and wearing those silly little hats…

 

JOHN

Oh, the price of fame.

 

SHERLOCK acquiesces.

 

SHERLOCK

I’ll admit that hat’s grown on me.

 

MOLLY

But.

 

SHERLOCK

But I need those people gone.

 

JOHN is incredibly pleased in SHERLOCK’s newfound misery.

 

JOHN

I thought you liked attention.

 

SHERLOCK

I do! But not when I’m—

 

He glances around the car, realizing that this may not be the place (or people) to confess to.

 

He finishes his explanation quietly:

 

SHERLOCK

Not wanting to be seen.

 

There’s a lull in conversation. MARY, trying to keep the cheerful air (which was dampened by SHERLOCK), says:

 

MARY

So, it’s awfully nice of your brother to offer his towncar to us. Driver and everything. All free!

 

SHERLOCK

Please.

 

He pops a candy into his mouth. Grimaces at the taste. Has another one.

 

 

SHERLOCK

(while chewing)

The nicest thing Mycroft has ever done is spare the life of his only pet, Murphy.

 

JOHN

I didn’t know that.

 

MARY

What was it?

 

SHERLOCK

A co-worker of his.

 

SHERLOCK pauses (somewhat solemn) to let this sink in.

 

SHERLOCK

(cont.)

No, Mycroft never does anyone anything without _some_ ulterior motive…

 

The DRIVER, having been listening to the conversation, interjects:

 

DRIVER

You told ‘em where we’re going?

 

TOM’s face flashes with panic. With all the talk of deductions and plotting, he’s realized he may be in the car of a maniac.

 

TOM says his next line quietly, yet the audience can hear him:

 

TOM

(quietly)

Ohmygod I don’t even know.

 

MOLLY and MARY grin. SHERLOCK and TOM exchange slightly nervous looks. A bond has been formed. Maybe TOM isn’t horrible and an immediate threat. Maybe.

 

MARY

Well, as you all know, John and I are going to be married.

 

JOHN

Sometime around May.

 

SHERLOCK

(in sing-song voice)

Delays…

 

JOHN

Don’t make me stop this car.

 

MARY ignores the five-year-olds’ argument:

 

MARY

So, to celebrate, Molly and I planned a trip.

 

SHERLOCK

I warn you, if it’s Serbia, I may not be able to come. In fact, it would be wise if none of you went to Serbia. I’ve touched you; they might recognize my DNA.

 

His face turns to consideration of this possibility; half-horrified and half intrigued.

 

MARY has been listening, fascinated. She says:

 

MARY

You should write a novel. About all your adventures.

 

JOHN makes an apprehensive face.

 

JOHN

Ah, careful. Sherlock doesn’t like the ‘A’ word, in reference to his cases.

 

SHERLOCK

They’re _purely logical_. And, I don’t need to write a novel. I’ll let _John_ write it for me.

 

He smiles gleefully.

 

 

JOHN

Y’know, maybe we could drop Sherlock off in Serbia.

 

The DRIVER, having been witness to SHERLOCK’s tantrums for many years, is all too eager to say:

 

DRIVER

That could be arranged.

 

SHERLOCK claps his hands together. Clearly wanting to divert the subject.

 

SHERLOCK

So! Where are we of to? To where are we off…

 

MOLLY squirms excitedly in her seat.

 

MOLLY

(with glee)

The mall!

 

Silence ensues in the car. Eventually:

 

SHERLOCK

Pull over, please.

 

MARY

(horrified)

Sherlock!

 

SHERLOCK, using what little social sense he has; realizes that MARY is wanting an explanation.

 

SHERLOCK

Unless they are _synthetic humans_ , artificial creations bore me.

 

MOLLY

(explaining to TOM)

He hates being bored.

 

BACK TO John, who is somewhat frustrated, yet more amused, as if he’s dealing with a child.

 

JOHN

We’ll bring you a colouring book.

 

MARY reinforces:

 

MARY

We are _all_ going.

 

SHERLOCK

(under his breath, angrily)

I hate family trips.

 

JOHN

(hearing him)

And we all hate you. So it’s fair.

 

Another pause.

 

TOM breaks this silence by saying:

 

TOM

Wait, maybe we should let him leave.

 

SHERLOCK

Finally, a modicum of intelligence in this car.

 

MARY

Tom, why?

 

TOM

Well, it’s Christmas.

 

SHERLOCK

(to himself)

Ugh. Why did I even leave the flat?

 

 

JOHN

And?

 

TOM

Well, it’s a mall. They’ll be lots of kids about. All to visit Santa.

 

 

MARY

Oh my god.

 

JOHN

Shit.

 

MOLLY

What?

 

Pause for dramatic effect. Big lead up to:

 

JOHN

Sherlock is going to steal Christmas.

 

CUE TITLE CREDITS!

 

INT: BLACK TOWNCAR.

 

SHERLOCK

Objection!

 

TOM

I’m just saying…

 

SHERLOCK

(snarling slightly)

Shut up, Tom.

 

MARY

(amused)

No, no. (slight pause)

Let him speak.

 

TOM

I mean, maybe we should drop him off.

 

 

SHERLOCK

On second thought…

 

TOM

(cont.)

To prevent the traumatization of children.

 

 

SHERLOCK

What _trauma?_ I figured that blatant _lie_ was false when I was _five_. (quietly)

And is “traumatization” even a word…?

 

DRIVER

(interjecting)

That’s a lie, too. _Mycroft_ told him.

 

Everyone but SHERLOCK is very pleased with this.

 

SHERLOCK

(to DRIVER)

I’ll have you executed.

 

The DRIVER is an experienced fighter, though. He’s actually one of the best-trained agents MYCROFT has. Since he’s carrying an important figure (read: fatty), he has to be prepared for the worst, at any time.

 

SHERLOCK knows this, of course. (It’s the knuckles.)

 

DRIVER

(to SHERLOCK)

You can try.

 

SHERLOCK looks miffed.

 

Slight pause. Then:

 

TOM

(pleasantly)

I like this. This is fun.

 

 

SHERLOCK

(muttering)

Why did I even leave the flat?

 

MUSIC plays out, as we watch the TOWNCAR leave towards…

 

 

 

 

 

 

EXT: THE FABULOUS MALL OF CAPITALISM.

 

TOM was right—kids are everywhere. Many are lined up to see SANTA. Adults are buzzing by, shopping bags in tow. It’s the typical worship that the Gods of Capitalism strive for.

 

Focus in on the GROUP. They’re standing out of the way, deciding where to go.

 

FOCUS on SHERLOCK. There’s lots of sensory information, and we see some of his deductions of random passerby. Things like:

 

_Recently gave birth;_

_fan of comics, in particular: Frank Miller;_

_late to meeting—industrial glue;_

_toenail infected_

_shoplifter, three magnets._

MOLLY notices that SHERLOCK is distracted. She elbows him, gently, to bring him back to the present. (Ha!)

 

Now attentive (although slightly upset about this, deducing was amusing him), he blinks in thanks.

 

MOLLY nods, quickly, in response. They return to the conversation…

 

MARY

Well, I know where John and I are going.

 

MOLLY

Where?

 

MARY

Jewelry shop.

 

SHERLOCK looks visibly pained.

 

SHERLOCK (V.O.)

 _Please_ let there be a robbery, _please_ let there be a robbery…

 

Back to the conversation (group shot):

 

JOHN

Molly, where do you want to go?

 

MOLLY hugs TOM’s side.

 

MOLLY

We were thinking of buying presents.

 

MARY

That sounds fun.

 

QUICK CUT: Back to SHERLOCK:

 

SHERLOCK (V.O.)

All I ask: one murder. A tiny murder. A suicide.

 

FLASHBACK: SHERLOCK’S FALL.

 

He remembers himself falling; hitting the ground. JOHN’s voice, as he cried.

 

CUT: BACK TO THE MALL.

 

SHERLOCK (V.O.)

 _Something_.

 

Back to the conversation.

 

JOHN

Why don’t you take Scrooge-here with you?

 

He’s referring to SHERLOCK.

 

QUICK CUT: FOREST—NIGHT.

 

A man is walking on a deserted road, in the middle of a forest.

 

A car approaches, headlights flashing, wildly; as:

 

SHERLOCK (V.O.)

Run over by a reindeer, even.

 

As the MAN turns his head, we see, just briefly, is it--?

 

CUT: BACK TO THE MALL.

 

FLASH to SHERLOCK. He seems very small—as small as someone like Sherlock can be.

 

The conversation continues…

 

 

MOLLY

Okay. He can help us pick.

(she pauses)

Y’know, that’s actually not a terrible idea.

 

SHEROCK

(confused)

What?

 

He quickly evaluates the situation. Realization dawns.

 

SHERLOCK

No, I hate shopping for presents.

(he pauses, thinking, considering)

No, I think I’ll just wait here for some child to have a nervous breakdown…

 

MOLLY

(pleasantly annoyed)

Come on.

 

She drags him off. MARY and JOHN go to the map to locate the jewelry stores.

 

INT: JEWELRY STORE.

 

CLOSE-UP of MARY’s face.

 

MARY

Shiny.

 

CUT back to reveal the entirety of the shop. It’s mini-Erebor.

 

MARY

So much shiny.

 

JOHN moves over, next to MARY’s shoulder. He’s happy.

 

JOHN

Having fun?

 

MARY

(not registering)

Shiny.

 

JOHN

Right.

 

He moves, browsing. Looking at all the shiny. In all honesty, he doesn’t see the point. But he’s willing to endure being tossed into a bonfire and having Semtex strapped to his body—he can handle ring-shopping.

 

MARY comes over, taps him on the shoulder. She has a slight, manic glee in her eyes.

 

She points to one spot in particular.

 

MARY

(direct)

Shiny.

 

JOHN nods. They move over to the ring MARY has specified. Seeing an upcoming sale, a CLERK moves into position.

 

They reach the counter; flat, elegant, polished.

 

CLERK

Which do you have your eye on?

 

MARY

(pointing) That one, there.

 

CLERK

You’ve a fine eye.

 

MARY smiles pleasantly. She flicks her eyes, briefly, to JOHN. Returns her gaze to the CLERK.

 

MARY

I know.

 

CUT: MALL—BOOKSTORE.

 

MOLLY and TOM are looking at the SCIENCE-FICTION SHELF.

 

CUT to SHERLOCK, already with five books in hand.

 

BACK TO MOLLY. She glances over at him. TOM follows her gaze.

 

TOM

(somewhat troubled)

We’ve been here three minutes…

 

MOLLY smiles happily.

 

MOLLY

Yeah.

 

TOM smiles, knowing they have a history.

 

TOM

Will you ever tell me?

 

MOLLY

About what?

 

TOM does a quick nod to SHERLOCK (who is examining a book in the ANIMALS rack).

 

TOM

You and him.

 

MOLLY grins.

 

MOLLY

Maybe.

 

SHERLOCK comes over. His pile has grown. It is Mount Bookstack. It has a life of its own. How is Sherlock even carrying it, at this point?

MOLLY and TOM regard the Stack with abject (somewhat mock) horror.

 

MOLLY

Oh, my God.

 

TOM

(softly)

God cannot help us now.

 

SHERLOCK is very happy. He brings his Pile over to the front desk. The CLERK, unflappable (maybe she knows him?), says:

 

CLERK

You want a bag for that?

 

She pulls out a Christmas tote.

 

CLERK

For every five books you buy, you get a free tote.

 

CUT: EXT: THE MALL, BOOKSTORE IN PERIPHERY.

 

MOLLY, SHERLOCK, AND TOM are walking out from the bookstore. SHERLOCK has five totes, three of which are filled with books.

 

Trying to make conversation, TOM asks:

 

TOM

So, Sherlock, why all the books?

 

Not looking at TOM, still walking forward, SHERLOCK says:

 

SHERLOCK

I don’t like much, Tom. But I do like to read.

 

At that moment, TOM’s phone buzzes. He clicks it, to view the message, which reads:

 

MESSAGE

It’s true, he always has. You should’ve seen his room. We erected a pathway, as to move about, made from all his books.

 

TOM looks up, confused. The sender is unknown, and knows exactly what they’ve been saying and doing.

 

TOM

(nervously)

Um…

 

SHERLOCK

Precise text by ambiguous sender?

 

TOM

(surprised that SHERLOCK knows)

Yes…

 

SHERLOCK

Ignore it. It’s just my brother, Mycroft, trying to fit in.

 

He glances up to a spot above. We realize that it’s a security camera.

 

SHERLOCK mouths something to the camera, grins, then continues on his way. Presently:

 

SHERLOCK

(mouthing)

Three, two—

 

TOM’s phone buzzes again. He reads, aloud:

 

TOM

“Really, Sherlock? You _know_ Japanese is my second favorite language.”

 

TOM blanks.

 

TOM

(half-silent)

“Second”?

 

They continue walking. SHERLOCK looks very pleased with himself.

 

To Be Continued...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
